hello. this is my page. I don't know how to do anything fancy here; I don't know anything about making a site, really. Maybe I'll learn more about the formatting, how to make this look nicer. Maybe I'll simplify it...maybe that's nicer. Who knows. But, I want a place to put my thoughts right now, somewhere where I don't have to worry about talking to anyone, how I'm presenting, how I'm speaking, all that. I have to make a promise to myself right now: I am NOT going to link this to anyone. I know I'm tempted, obviously, I want people to see the cool shit I'm doing, and I also want to share myself with the people in my life. But that isn't the important thing for me right now. The important thing for me right now, in this weird time of change, reinvention, gunk, disillusionment, fear, misdirection, bliss, hope, peace, calmness, realness.....I don't know. It's just crucial that I make a space for myself to distance from everything and everyone, somewhere where I can take all this pent up energy that I have and pour it. Writing in a journal seems like the most obvious answer for this, of course, but there's something about that. It always feels fake....it always doesn't feel like enough. Maybe that's because I've burnt my brain dumping every inkling of a thought into Discord, into some server or some channel, browsing and scrolling and just going and going and going and going and burning out on things so quick and so hard. Not sure. I need to get away from the spaces I'm in, the habits I serve, et cetera...I need to quit hunting and just make something, make a NEW space for myself and let my inside occupy it. Right now, that means this.
I don't really know how to do funny stuff with html. I would do the classic start of a site / amateur thing where you do things like look bold!!! just kidding it is now a secret!!! type bullshit and I know I'm doing it right now but I wish I could do it in louder ways like with formatting and shit but I cannot.
Need to degunk, like I've been saying...need to take inventory. I move into Avery's in a few days, my online spaces are feeling weird for me right now. Maybe that means moving and spending more time in nature, learning how to meditate...I don't know. I'm eating poorly, I am not really watching too many movies, Jess broke up with me a couple days ago. Bummed about that whole thing but I know it is for the best. Idk
I want this to be real, shitposty when it needs to be, honest when it needs to be. I don't want to filter any of my different voices out of prioritize any one of them. Like Giordana and I talked about; all the different selves that I have aren't not me and they aren't individually more than the other. They are all me. That is that and that's good!
Feeling like I need to really flesh out my thoughts here, but I don't have the energy, and that's fine. I want instead once I finish this listen of Lowercase to go watch EVA and I definitely am going to do that. For now, though, catch you later, me. See you when I see you.
endthread - 19/05/2020 || 23:51 || I love you.